You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn’t fix?

I am a volcano. I keep the pressure of molten rock under my surface until a seismic event of various magnitudes causes it to rupture forth in a wave of heat and ash. My temper can blot out the sun. It can turn summer into winter, yadda yadda yadda. Metamorphic er, metaphorically speaking?

Jules Tavernier Tutt'Art@

That’s one trait that I wish I didn’t have. I wish I was one of those people who could utilize healthy outlets for all the shit life hands them instead of bottling it up and causing many Pompeii-esque catastrophes in both my personal and professional lives. Time is of the essence in these situations and most of the time I can physically remove myself from the stressor, but in cases where I cannot… BLAMO!

When I took an introductory psychology course in university, I remember that one of the modules made mention of a book called WHY ZEBRAS DON’T GET ULCERS. It touches on the body’s fight or flight responses as well as explaining the differences between how certain species respond to high stress environments and how we humans have the wonderful added cognitive power to PERCEIVE AND WORRY RELENTLESSLY ABOUT EVERYTHING until we make ourselves sick and die.

You’d think it would be the other way around. Us, so high on the food chain vs them, our herbivorous prey. I never thought I’d be jealous of a grazing land mammal, but I really am!

I often wonder why I handle things so poorly compared to others I know. I also stress out over really dumb things. I remember when I was 7 I tearfully confided to my uncle after watching The Simpson’s episode about Homer having a heart attack that I was pretty sure that my heart was also gonna explode right outta me because I was having those good ol’ benign childhood growing pains. A 7 year old otherwise healthy girl should not even have organ malfunction on her radar. At least NOW as an adult my anxieties and worrisome thoughts make a bit more sense and are way more valid.

279545

I think my next tattoo is gonna be an elaborate cursive piece that says “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. I’m also gonna situate it on my ass, which isn’t small by any means, but is certainly sweaty. I think everyone should have at least one funny tattoo on their posterior to brighten the day of the medical personnel or morticians that will one day be privy to view it.

Keto? More like NEATO

First of all, the blog will never turn into one of those health and wellness spaces that focus on determination and perseverance while I run 70 miles across a mountain range wearing a perfectly coiffed ponytail and well-thought-out sporty attire. All the love and power to these women, but I turn red as a beet and oddly glisten if I so much as have to walk up the tiny hill behind the grocery store. Ain’t nobody gonna be inspired by a picture of that!

I do want to talk about some weird seemingly voodoo shit I have been doing in a very desperate attempt to reclaim my health, my mind, and my body though, because it’s crazy how far things have turned around these last two months and I am crossing my fingers that it can only get better from here.

To prevent a wall of text and any tl;dr, I will just summarize that I have battled with my weight, my mental health, and a slew of other issues that have stemmed from the two since adolescence. I also somehow royally screwed up my back in the process, so I’ve been a sick, sad, hurtin’ unit for more years than I have ever been a vibrant, healthy sunflower. 2016 was such a shitshow for everyone it seems, but being down so far in the dumps did give me some clarity as well as the strength to start making small changes.

I am a sugar and carb FIEND. I’ve always had a complex love affair with the two since I could remember. It also didn’t help that my family once owned a bakery and yes, all the rumors you have ever heard about growing up in one are true. I was baptized in a fountain of whip cream and slept in hollowed out sourdough loafs during my formative years.

sugarfiend

How I managed to bypass diabetes as an adult is a medical mystery.

Anyway, I knew that my unhealthy lifestyle had to change, and so I started passively googling for solutions and came across the ketogenic diet (specifically thanks to this website.) At first it sounded extreme, so I joined and lurked a few keto subreddits and decided that I might as well give it a whirl. If anything, not burdening my body with an influx of sugar and carbs for a little while couldn’t hurt.

To further explain what happened to my body after switching over to a high fat low carb diet, and still trying to not turn this thing into a giant wall of text, I will use this here following infographic:

ketofuckyeah

So yeah, it’s been good (lazy keto btw). I’m losing weight, my skin has cleared up substantially (but that’s a whole other post) and I no longer feel like the sore pile of shit I may or may not be depending on who you ask. The transition period wasn’t as hectic as I planned for, and now I just live my life all weird and sugar free. Will I stay on Keto long term? No idea, but it sure has curbed my unhealthy eating habits by a huge percentage and I’m liking the changes it’s made to my body inside and out.

It also turns out that I’m NOT lactose intolerant like I was lead to believe for the last 30 odd years and I sorely regret turning down all those sexy cheese parties that plagued my youth.